Diary Entry #1

1st May -2017

I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming. Sometimes when I look back, I find it extremely hard to believe that I’ve made it so far. It feels like a dream. It feels as if I was merely lucky or as if I was in the right place at the right time that worked for my advantage.

I feel exceptionally below average. I feel as if I am nothing out of the ordinary. When someone tells me otherwise, It feels like they are just being nice. I don’t know what to make of things anymore. I don’t know when my luck shall run out and I don’t even have a contingency plan for life. What if things don’t work out in my favor. What if I am destined to be a failure, an example for others to see what happens when someone goes to the bottomest pit of life.

I can never understand why it is so easy to abandon hope and so difficult to remain hopeful. Both are emotions, it should be equally easy or difficult to set them in your mind. But its not. I think its because of our experiences with life. We’ve seen too many negativity and we’ve seen that the hopeful do not always come out as successful ones. We’ve seen that its easier to just give up than to muster up the courage and face life, no matter how harsh it gets. No matter how rainy, cloudy or dark it may get, the Sun will shine again. There will be a day of achievement and joy.

Honestly sometimes I stop caring about everything altogether. The outcomes of our lives lie in the future that is both unknown and made up of infinitely complex possibilities where anything could go right or wrong. Its almost impossible to know for sure what shall happen in the future. Most of the times when I’m feeling hopeless, I stop and take a deep breath and realize that it is out of my control. Somethings no matter how much we try, we can never change them. If its in my destiny to be in an accident tomorrow, I shall be in an accident. Similarly if its in my destiny to see a shiny day, I shall see one soon enough.

Its tough to live like this, to put so much faith on destiny and the unknown. But as a mere mortal human, what else can we do eh?